“Hurry up Bethie! We’re going to go see Mommy.”
Grandma and Grandpa Fischer had come to help us celebrate my second birthday. After the family had sung “Happy Birthday” to me and we had eaten our cake, Dad took Mom to the hospital. My baby brother, Jerry, was born early the next morning.
Grandma had been trying to help me get dressed all afternoon. To each of her offers of help, I’d stubbornly replied, “DO IT MYSELF!” Now, she was worried we’d completely miss visiting hours at the hospital. I finally got my dress and shoes and socks on. My hair never did get combed before we had to leave for the hospital.
“Now you need to wait here to see your mommy,” the nurse patiently explained to me. That was back in the days before natural childbirth. Husbands waited in a separate room for news of the delivery, and children under age sixteen weren’t even allowed in the maternity ward.
“See this line on the floor?” The nurse pointed to where the linoleum pattern changed. “You may come to this line, BUT NO FARTHER, to wait for your mommy.”
After the nurse turned to walk away, I walked right up to the line. I looked left, then right, to be sure she wasn’t watching me. I then stuck one toe over the line just to show everyone that I was in charge. I’ve been a recovering control-freak ever since.
My parents faced the challenge of taking my naturally strong-willed tendencies and shaping my character to be strong-willed for righteousness. They somehow knew the principle of “discipline with love,” described by Dr. James Dobson in his book The Strong-Willed Child. (Wheaton, IL; Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.; 1978; pg. 112) It is “a reasonable introduction to responsibility and self-control, parental leadership with a minimum of anger, respect for the dignity and worth of the child, realistic boundaries that are enforced with confident firmness, and a judicious use of rewards and punishment to those who challenge and resist. It is a system that bears the approval of the Creator Himself.”
Proverbs 3:11&12 puts it this way: “My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” (NLT) When a father loves his child and takes delight in her, it’s his privilege and responsibility to correct and train her. This is discipline—making a disciple who knows what is right and does it.
I don’t think disciple making is intuitive for parents. My dad had been harshly punished for disobedience as a child. He remembers several occasions of being taken to the wood shed and spanked by his dad. Once, when he was four, Dad had been playing with matches and set his family’s winter supply of wood on fire. His dad punished him by building a small fire and holding Jerry over it until he got good and warm. We would consider that harsh, frightening and abusive punishment today.
That was the only example Dad had to follow. His dad had certainly gotten his attention with strong punishment. It’s not likely that he ever repeated any of those wrongs for which he was beaten. Dad didn’t have the advantage of reading any Christian parenting books either. They weren’t available then. I think he knew, though, that a more moderate approach would be more appropriate.
I do remember being spanked with Dad’s belt a few times when I was young. My mom says that after a few times, Dad would just look at me as if the belt would come off if I didn’t shape up. That was enough for me to exercise self-control and behave, and send me to my room in tears in my early teen years.
As an adult student of child development, I’ve come to see that appropriate spanking is one tool a parent may use in disciplining. When I say appropriate, I mean never in anger, only for willful misbehavior and with reconciliation and loving hugs afterward. If a parent allows a child’s misbehavior to escalate until the parent becomes angry, the spanking to follow may well become abusive. That kind of lashing out at the child leads to fear of the parent. The behavior may change, but only because of fear. There is no heart change. Spanking is not the only tool to use. Logical consequences are often sufficient when the connection is made for the child. A time-out to consider what was done or to cool down is often effective also. Rewards are often a good incentive to help shape desired behaviors, too. When the parent disciplines out of love and delight in the child, the child has the best hope of changing behavior and learning self-control. That’s how God deals with us.
Real discipline deals quickly with wrong actions or attitudes. Both parent and child are then free to start over with the past forgiven and forgotten. Consequences may have to be paid, such a paying for a broken window or cleaning up a mess, but the guilt is over. Parental blow-ups on the other hand can leave long-lasting scars and bitterness. David left us a beautiful description of how God deals in us in Psalm 51: 7” Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. 9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.” (NLT) Once we are disciplined (broken), God restores our joy and we’re secure in His presence.
A perfect father wants his child to know right from wrong and develop the self-control to choose what is right. Without a parent to stop him, a child may keep pushing and pushing, hoping someone will love him enough to keep him from doing what he knows is wrong. It’s love that disciplines a child. The properly disciplined child can have confidence to face the future knowing he/she has the self-control needed to face challenges and do what’s right.
My mom says I was strong-willed before the term was even invented. Dr. Dobson wrote his book by that title when my children were young and I needed his wisdom. My grandchildren are strong-willed, and I rather suspect my dad is too. (Who am I kidding? He definitely started the heritage.) I’m grateful that self-control is part of the Fruit of God’s Spirit that grows in our lives as followers of Jesus. I don’t want to grow up to be that control freak two year old always having to prove that it’s my way or the wrong way. I’m grateful my earthly parents and my Heavenly Father love me enough to discipline me because of their delight in me.
“As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” (Hebrews 12:7-11; NLT)
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